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funny friday humor

Funny Friday: Debates Redux

Note: I wrote this post in November, but since added a few more items to this earlier post so that I could call it: New and Improved or is it New or Improved? Maybe it’s just regurgitated…

The Great (and not so great) Debates 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion (that’s my opinion), but does that mean we are free to give our unsolicited opinion whenever we want? You know, free speech and all…

I’m sure that I just opened a huge can of worms, methinks. So, just for fun, let’s crank the opener of these great dividers: Religion and Politi—Whoa! Hold it! Not those debates! This is “Funny Friday”don’t ya know?

Without further delay, let’s step up to the podiums, shall we?

Peanut Butter: Smoothy vs. Crunchy

Can you sit on the fence and say both? Of course you can! Will you? Probably not.

Crunchy hurts to eat, smoothy sticks to the roof of my mouth, crunchy rocks on toast but not on bagels, though. Smoothy: good for making fudge (unless you like crunchy fudge…)

What about natural? Woah, hold it right there, Bucko. This is not a ____vs.____vs.____

Kirk vs. Picard

No contest. You know I’m right…

Dogs vs. Cats

If you don’t care about loyalty or the return of affection and you want to be able to just leave for a few days without worrying…well, you know.

North Pole vs. South Pole

Santa, good. Penguins, cute! But what about the narwhals?

North pole: Pack ice South Pole: Packed ice

Coffee vs. Tea

I look forward to my morning coffee and my afternoon tea, but I have on rare occasions had a morning tea and I do enjoy an afternoon shot o’ espresso…

Ale vs. Lager

Beer lovers are either loyal or experimental. I see people beeline straight to their brand and get out of the store before I have even started to window shop. But that has nothing to do with the Ale vs. Lager debate does it…

PC vs. Mac

Endless updates and glitches, or should I just spend the damn $$$$?

Zoodles vs. Alphagetti

You know that they are pretty much the same thing, but what can you spell with Zoodles? (Psst. Hieroglyphs.)

Two-ply vs. Three-ply

I didn’t include one-ply because it becomes two-ply since you know you’re going to fold it.

Coke vs. Pepsi

Both sweet. Both kinda caramelly. Both bubbly. Only one of them should be mixed with rum.

Classic Coke vs. New Coke

Remember that fiasco? Who wins? See previous.

The Turkey: Light meat vs. Dark meat

You might as well call this dry and bland vs. moist and tasty. Gravy is good for both

Star Trek vs. Star Wars

(See Kirk vs Picard)

McDonald’s vs Burger King

Isn’t the title “King” self explanatory, you clown?

Honorable Mentions:

Ren vs. Stimpy, Rick vs. Morty, Magellan vs. Cook, AM vs. FM, The Far Side vs. Non Sequitur

Well, I’m absolutely, positively, sure that I missed some real doozies, but like debating politics or religion, there’s no way that I’m touching those topics….that’s as volatile as discussing what pick-up truck is best.

 (It’s Chevy, BTW…)

-Leon

What are some of your funny dividers?


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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cartoons humor Weird Wednesday

Weird Wednesday: Cartoons and a Guessing Game

I post “The Miniscules” on Instagram @lines_by_leon every Monday, but I’ll put them here on Wednesday as well.

Monday’s “Miniscule Monday” continuing the fairy tale theme.

I came across my Inktober sketches, but I have no idea what word each was supposed to represent. Do you?

Feel free to guess. I really don’t know.

I introduced a new cartoon two weeks ago. It didn’t have a name then. Let us welcome:

The Untitled

Part three:

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” If you are thinking that the humor has a familiar weirdness to it, you wouldn’t be mistaken. Any idea of the target of the homage?

Thanks for stopping by!

-Leon


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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funny friday humor

Funny Friday-You Don’t Know How Much You’ve Got Left Till’ it’s Gone

Sound familiar? That’s my very loose paraphrase of a Joni Mitchell lyric. It came to me the other day (Sunday-but that really doesn’t matter) when I ran out of sriracha. I knew I needed more earlier, but I thought I could manage a few more weeks. And it was going great. Every time I used some-on eggs, potatoes, in ramen (which BTW, I learned how to make this year. Well worth the effort) – I always had some left, until the tell-tale SPLORCH-PLLLLH! Sound indicating that my luck had run out. How long did this streak last, I wondered? I couldn’t remember the last time I had bought some. The label was quite worn and faded, but upon careful examination, I was able to locate the best-before date.

July 2016. Wait! What!?

So apparently, the best-before date is just a serving suggestion. That stuff don’t go bad…That got me to thinking, “Why am I not sick?” No, actually I was thinking about what else we have that runs out when you least expect it.

  • Propane tanks: When barbequing, you never really know what’s left-until you check on your burgers and they are half cooked. Don’t want to trade in a tank that still has some? Always have an extra tank.
  • Plastic wrap: I looked at my roll and I thought that I needed some soon, so I bought the rolls x 3 at [insert name of favorite big box warehouse store]. That was years ago, and I’m still pulling out wrap from the old one.*
  • Batteries: Stock up and forget about them, they’ll slowly lose charge until you need them, of course.
  • Ice cubes: You always have too many until you don’t, and it’s always the slightly musty one in the ice tray.
  • Lightbulbs: Why are there so many different kinds and why do I have everyone but the one I need?
  • Dental floss: When do you know you’re out? When you pull out a piece about the length of your thumb and you hear the Ziiing!
  • Toilet paper: There is always a roll underneath the sink, right? Please be right. If I could just reach…a…little…more…
  • Change: Who carries change these days? But I need to pay for parking and I only have 2 quarters.
  • Air: You know, like the stuff in your tires (OK, that one was a bit of a reach).
  • Wine: Sometimes you just need a glass. Just not happenin’ today.

In regard to point #5-I’ll give you a moment to count-here is an apt Miniscules cartoon from earlier this year:

-Leon

*At the time of writing, I was still extracting wrap, but two days ago I finally got to the end of the roll. The last few inches/centimeters/cubits turned out to be a foggy, semi-translucent, nom-clingy sheet, which I thought to be a little anti-climactic. There should be a prize, or at least a printed “TA-DAH!”


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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cartoons humor Weird Wednesday

Weird Wednesday: Cartoons (again)

I post “The Miniscules” on Instagram @lines_by_leon every Monday, but I’ll put them here on Wednesday as well.

One thing I can kinda draw are books…
See?

Monday’s “Miniscule Monday”…

Last week, I introduced a new cartoon. It didn’t have a name then. Let us welcome:

The Untitled

Continuing the childhood game theme:

Ooh, fancy border.

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” If you are thinking that the humor has a familiar weirdness to it, you wouldn’t be mistaken. Any idea of the target of the homage?

Thanks for stopping by!

-Leon


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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funny friday humor

Funny Friday: Spring Cleaning

OK. It’s not spring yet, but if you are currently needing to self-isolate or experiencing the week-long Polar Vortex where you live, then you might need something to do. We will wait for the first “warm” day to throw open the windows and air out the stink. Now, on to today’s topic:

Inverted Vertices and Grooves: Wonderful geometry or nature’s crud collectors?

And I quote: “Whoever invented corners and grooves should be made to clean all corners and grooves.“ Who said that? I did.

 Many people now have a bit more time on their hands. What to do, what to do? Bake, cook? Clean? I know what you are thinking: I don’t want to clean. Not the most enjoyable activity, but considering two things, the focus on sanitizing during the current crisis and the fact that it is Spring (you know, the time you look forward to, to throw open the windows, air out the winter stink, and you did say, during the dead of winter, ”I can’t wait to give the place a good Spring cleaning!” I know you said that, we all did), what better time like the present?

I heard many people just now say, “Another time.”

Hear are some thoughts on cleaning.

At least once a year, I like to clean the baseboards and moldings. Wait! Did I say like? I meant I clean the baseboards and moldings. They only get really dirty if: you kick them a lot, eat pizza over them, or don’t clean them ever. If you have an older home, there is probably a lot of bits under the bottom-you know, that gap that you never notice until you get on your hands and knees to clean them and realize that there are a lot of crumbs under them. Four words: putty knife and vacuum.

Behind things: Refrigerators, ovens, couches, or anything that was meant to move that you don’t move. Pull them out from the wall and wonder how it got so hairy back there. If you have short hair, where did all the long hair come from; if you have long hair, why do I keep inviting my long-haired friends over? The vacuum is your best friend here. Don’t forget the fridge coils. Where are the fridge coils, you ask?  Behind the mullet on the back of your fridge.

Walls: That’s a lot of work. Leave it for when you re-paint. Hmmm, it would look nice with a new coat…

Tops of ceiling fans: Never looked there? Geez! They are spinning, so how the heck does it get dusty?

Cupboards and drawers: OK. You wash the dishes, put clean dishes away, and there are crumbs everywhere. What the…? It looks like a desert at the bottom of the cutlery holder!

Windows and mirrors: Isn’t glass supposed to be smooth? I understand outside-it rains, and rain isn’t clean-and bathroom mirrors (the floss flick and hairspray fog), but why are the insides soo filthy? Unless you have kids, then there is you answer-for everything.

Carpets: Watch one of those science shows about dust mites and you will be vacuuming twice a day (maybe more). If you have ever rented a carpet cleaner, you will get water that looks like Café-au-Lait (that’s a Double Double for Canadian readers).

Mattresses: (See above)

Toasters and appliances: Clean out that crumb tray, or just turn it upside down and shake, shake, shake. The microwave doesn’t need to look like it is from the staffroom at the office. Descale that coffeemaker (you did stock up on vinegar didn’t you?). And that fridge you moved? You should have cleaned it out before you moved it to make it lighter…

Finally, those aforementioned corners and grooves: Every windowsill has them, those slick sharp lines and corners that cloths and fingernails just can’t reach, pointed knives scratch, and generally store years upon years of dirt. Unless you used a vacuum on them everyday (yes, everyday) since the day they were installed (yes, that very day), you’re outta luck. But…a waterpik ™ just might do the trick – never tried because I don’t have one, but I just thought of it…


And after you finish all of that…never, ever, look through a sunbeam going across your room.

-Leon


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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humor poetry

Snow Days: A Poem

It’s been awhile since I wrote something poetic. I joke that ” I do my best writing when I am running or hurting. Often, that is the same time…” I need to get out of that rut. I know that more than half my poetry is light-hearted or has elements of humor. Poetry comes from all emotional states, is influenced by many beautiful events and locations, and like a painting, captures the essence of the creator in that moment of time.

So, sometimes the words will just start to flow, without having to tip the bottle and slap the bottom. This one came after hearing cancellations being announced on the local news.

Snow Days

​There once were days when children woke in the morning
Discovering too much snow or a wind chill warning
A needed respite from learning and correcting mistakes
After all, it is Wednesday, for goodness sake
So, too cold for school, we were all bundled up
Told to play outside, come back in time for sup

Now, with pandemic restrictions, school boards did adapt
With Zoom classes, learning packs, and one-on-one chats
The parents cried out,
 “You have to still teach them, we can’t do it alone.”
Teachers replied,
“Try teaching 31 students in your home.”

Now when school gets cancelled, the snow day is no perk
Kids can learn in their PJ’s the way their parents go to work

 -Leon

Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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cartoons humor Weird Wednesday

Weird Wednesday: Cartoons

I post “The Miniscules” on Instagram @lines_by_leon every Monday, but I’ll put them here on Wednesday as well.

Sometimes my ideas make me laugh out loud. This was one of them.
Let’s never speak of it again…
I love crosswords!

I had this thought, and it was appropriately weird.

Thanks for stopping by!

-Leon


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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humor music poetry readers writers

Weekend Wrap-up: Feb. 6

In case you missed it, here is quick recap of some posts that I wrote, and others that I came across this week. So get a coffee or tea, sit back and enjoy.

This week in my blog:

Read part 2: The View from Here

A few posts that I found interesting:

Futuristic Fiction: #Research for #Writers, Part 4, Agriculture.

A Small Collection of Recent Poetry

Why Do We Blog About Books?

If you still have a few minutes, why don’t you take my short and entertaining survey? Lines by Leon: The Survey It’s just a quick way of getting to know how my readers find me and their reading habits.

Enjoy the rest of your day! If you think anyone else would enjoy my writing, feel free to re-blog any posts.

-Leon


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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funny friday humor

Funny Friday

Last week I gave a challenge to say the alphabet backwards: Fun Friday Need help? Let me know.

What is the funniest answer you ever put on a test? I saw this this example years ago, and it always makes me laugh.

In college, I used to sign my tests with a coffee ring. It started when one time my coffee dribbled down my disposable Styrofoam cup-

Wait! What?!

Oh, sorry. Let me explain. A long time ago, people used to carry hot beverages in containers made from petroleum, that when properly discarded on the side of the road, would rapidly disintegrate over the course of 1000 years.

Oh! Like the disposable masks and latex gloves?

Exactly.

So, back to the story. My professor commented that he can always spot my tests and assignments from the stain in the corner. I took that as a challenge, and never signed my name again in that class.

Which reminds me of a joke.

A university professor tells the class that time is up for the exam. As students place their papers on the desk as they file out of class, on student continues to write. After a few minutes, the student walks to the front.

“I can’t accept the exam, since you continued after time had expired,” the professor said.

“Do you know my name?” the student asked.

“I can look it up.”

The student promptly slid the paper into the middle of the pile.

OK. Not that funny. Tell me your funniest school experience.


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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cartoons humor Weird Wednesday

Weird Wednesday

Getting close to being caught up with all “The Miniscules” to date. There will be a few more Wednesdays before you will be getting the current weekly serving of hilarity. Of course, you can always catch Miniscule Monday on Instagram @lines_by_leon

After The Masters The loss of a beloved actor
Do you like puzzles? I do!

No verse for the creatures this week, just a query.

Careless, but what has them spooked?

Hope you enjoy my creations!

-Leon


Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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