Funny Friday: Humorous Poems

March 12, 2021 / Leon Stevens / 7 Comments

When you think of humorous poetry, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Did you say limericks? More than likely you did.

Think a little harder. There are many poets that have written poems that:

are laugh out loud funny (rare)
make you giggle (not as rare)
produce a smile (getting closer)
end with a pursed lip/head shake/eyeroll (BINGO)

Many poets, like Silverstein or Dahl have written poems that both children and adults find funny, but mostly kids because they are more easily made to laugh. To reach the adult population, silly usually moves toward satirical.

Here are a few of my own:

Youth vs. Age

When we are young
We are invincible
Or we think we are
It’s just mind over matter
When we are older
We know better
Or think we do
We can still do many things
But now it’s just
Mind over bladder

The Sock

Is there anything lonelier than discarded clothing?
A sign of disappointment, of rejection, of loathing
Threadbare and stained, no fight left within
Wondering what events caused this great sin
Did you wear out your welcome, what did you do?
Was it a weakness of cotton that allowed the big toe to come through?
Was it your owner’s odd gait that wore through the heel?
Taking the blame, how did that feel?
Was your partner discarded or saved for another
Pair that shares the same fate and just the right color?

The Middle Child

They say that the middle child is often neglected
Favored for the first or the last is to be expected
It is a fact that it happens, to important to ignore
Plays out over and over, oh so many times before
But I’d give it all to be the middle than what I am instead
As I see the hand reach over me to get the middle slice of bread

And finally, what everyone thinks:

When writing Haiku
When do you get to the point
Of not counting fing—(@#%*!)

-Leon

Funny Friday: Debates Redux

February 26, 2021May 16, 2021 / Leon Stevens / 1 Comment

Note: I wrote this post in November, but since added a few more items to this earlier post so that I could call it: New and Improved or is it New or Improved? Maybe it’s just regurgitated…

The Great (and not so great) Debates

Everyone is entitled to their opinion (that’s my opinion), but does that mean we are free to give our unsolicited opinion whenever we want? You know, free speech and all…

I’m sure that I just opened a huge can of worms, methinks. So, just for fun, let’s crank the opener of these great dividers: Religion and Politi—Whoa! Hold it! Not those debates! This is “Funny Friday”don’t ya know?

Without further delay, let’s step up to the podiums, shall we?

Peanut Butter: Smoothy vs. Crunchy

Can you sit on the fence and say both? Of course you can! Will you? Probably not.

Crunchy hurts to eat, smoothy sticks to the roof of my mouth, crunchy rocks on toast but not on bagels, though. Smoothy: good for making fudge (unless you like crunchy fudge…)

What about natural? Woah, hold it right there, Bucko. This is not a ____vs.____vs.____

Kirk vs. Picard

No contest. You know I’m right…

Dogs vs. Cats

If you don’t care about loyalty or the return of affection and you want to be able to just leave for a few days without worrying…well, you know.

North Pole vs. South Pole

Santa, good. Penguins, cute! But what about the narwhals?

North pole: Pack ice South Pole: Packed ice

Coffee vs. Tea

I look forward to my morning coffee and my afternoon tea, but I have on rare occasions had a morning tea and I do enjoy an afternoon shot o’ espresso…

Ale vs. Lager

Beer lovers are either loyal or experimental. I see people beeline straight to their brand and get out of the store before I have even started to window shop. But that has nothing to do with the Ale vs. Lager debate does it…

PC vs. Mac

Endless updates and glitches, or should I just spend the damn $$$$?

Zoodles vs. Alphagetti

You know that they are pretty much the same thing, but what can you spell with Zoodles? (^{_{Psst. Hieroglyphs.}})

Two-ply vs. Three-ply

I didn’t include one-ply because it becomes two-ply since you know you’re going to fold it.

Coke vs. Pepsi

Both sweet. Both kinda caramelly. Both bubbly. Only one of them should be mixed with rum.

Classic Coke vs. New Coke

Remember that fiasco? Who wins? See previous.

The Turkey: Light meat vs. Dark meat

You might as well call this dry and bland vs. moist and tasty. Gravy is good for both

Star Trek vs. Star Wars

(See Kirk vs Picard)

McDonald’s vs Burger King

Isn’t the title “King” self explanatory, you clown?

Honorable Mentions:

Ren vs. Stimpy, Rick vs. Morty, Magellan vs. Cook, AM vs. FM, The Far Side vs. Non Sequitur

Well, I’m absolutely, positively, sure that I missed some real doozies, but like debating politics or religion, there’s no way that I’m touching those topics….that’s as volatile as discussing what pick-up truck is best.

(It’s Chevy, BTW…)

-Leon

What are some of your funny dividers?

Leon Stevens is a blogger, composer, artist, and an author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar and The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories.
www.linesbyleon.com

Purchase paperback directly for the author!

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Funny Friday-You Don’t Know How Much You’ve Got Left Till’ it’s Gone

February 19, 2021 / Leon Stevens / 1 Comment

Sound familiar? That’s my very loose paraphrase of a Joni Mitchell lyric. It came to me the other day (Sunday-but that really doesn’t matter) when I ran out of sriracha. I knew I needed more earlier, but I thought I could manage a few more weeks. And it was going great. Every time I used some-on eggs, potatoes, in ramen (which BTW, I learned how to make this year. Well worth the effort) – I always had some left, until the tell-tale SPLORCH-PLLLLH! Sound indicating that my luck had run out. How long did this streak last, I wondered? I couldn’t remember the last time I had bought some. The label was quite worn and faded, but upon careful examination, I was able to locate the best-before date.

July 2016. Wait! What!?

So apparently, the best-before date is just a serving suggestion. That stuff don’t go bad…That got me to thinking, “Why am I not sick?” No, actually I was thinking about what else we have that runs out when you least expect it.

Propane tanks: When barbequing, you never really know what’s left-until you check on your burgers and they are half cooked. Don’t want to trade in a tank that still has some? Always have an extra tank.
Plastic wrap: I looked at my roll and I thought that I needed some soon, so I bought the rolls x 3 at [insert name of favorite big box warehouse store]. That was years ago, and I’m still pulling out wrap from the old one.*
Batteries: Stock up and forget about them, they’ll slowly lose charge until you need them, of course.
Ice cubes: You always have too many until you don’t, and it’s always the slightly musty one in the ice tray.
Lightbulbs: Why are there so many different kinds and why do I have everyone but the one I need?
Dental floss: When do you know you’re out? When you pull out a piece about the length of your thumb and you hear the Ziiing!
Toilet paper: There is always a roll underneath the sink, right? Please be right. If I could just reach…a…little…more…
Change: Who carries change these days? But I need to pay for parking and I only have 2 quarters.
Air: You know, like the stuff in your tires (OK, that one was a bit of a reach).
Wine: Sometimes you just need a glass. Just not happenin’ today.

In regard to point #5-I’ll give you a moment to count-here is an apt Miniscules cartoon from earlier this year:

-Leon

_{*At the time of writing, I was still extracting wrap, but two days ago I finally got to the end of the roll. The last few inches/centimeters/cubits turned out to be a foggy, semi-translucent, nom-clingy sheet, which I thought to be a little anti-climactic. There should be a prize, or at least a printed “TA-DAH!”}

Funny Friday: Spring Cleaning

February 12, 2021 / Leon Stevens / 4 Comments

OK. It’s not spring yet, but if you are currently needing to self-isolate or experiencing the week-long Polar Vortex where you live, then you might need something to do. We will wait for the first “warm” day to throw open the windows and air out the stink. Now, on to today’s topic:

Inverted Vertices and Grooves: Wonderful geometry or nature’s crud collectors?

And I quote: “Whoever invented corners and grooves should be made to clean all corners and grooves.“ Who said that? I did.

Many people now have a bit more time on their hands. What to do, what to do? Bake, cook? Clean? I know what you are thinking: I don’t want to clean. Not the most enjoyable activity, but considering two things, the focus on sanitizing during the current crisis and the fact that it is Spring (you know, the time you look forward to, to throw open the windows, air out the winter stink, and you did say, during the dead of winter, ”I can’t wait to give the place a good Spring cleaning!” I know you said that, we all did), what better time like the present?

I heard many people just now say, “Another time.”

Hear are some thoughts on cleaning.

At least once a year, I like to clean the baseboards and moldings. Wait! Did I say like? I meant I clean the baseboards and moldings. They only get really dirty if: you kick them a lot, eat pizza over them, or don’t clean them ever. If you have an older home, there is probably a lot of bits under the bottom-you know, that gap that you never notice until you get on your hands and knees to clean them and realize that there are a lot of crumbs under them. Four words: putty knife and vacuum.

Behind things: Refrigerators, ovens, couches, or anything that was meant to move that you don’t move. Pull them out from the wall and wonder how it got so hairy back there. If you have short hair, where did all the long hair come from; if you have long hair, why do I keep inviting my long-haired friends over? The vacuum is your best friend here. Don’t forget the fridge coils. Where are the fridge coils, you ask? Behind the mullet on the back of your fridge.

Walls: That’s a lot of work. Leave it for when you re-paint. Hmmm, it would look nice with a new coat…

Tops of ceiling fans: Never looked there? Geez! They are spinning, so how the heck does it get dusty?

Cupboards and drawers: OK. You wash the dishes, put clean dishes away, and there are crumbs everywhere. What the…? It looks like a desert at the bottom of the cutlery holder!

Windows and mirrors: Isn’t glass supposed to be smooth? I understand outside-it rains, and rain isn’t clean-and bathroom mirrors (the floss flick and hairspray fog), but why are the insides soo filthy? Unless you have kids, then there is you answer-for everything.

Carpets: Watch one of those science shows about dust mites and you will be vacuuming twice a day (maybe more). If you have ever rented a carpet cleaner, you will get water that looks like Café-au-Lait (that’s a Double Double for Canadian readers).

Mattresses: (See above)

Toasters and appliances: Clean out that crumb tray, or just turn it upside down and shake, shake, shake. The microwave doesn’t need to look like it is from the staffroom at the office. Descale that coffeemaker (you did stock up on vinegar didn’t you?). And that fridge you moved? You should have cleaned it out before you moved it to make it lighter…

Finally, those aforementioned corners and grooves: Every windowsill has them, those slick sharp lines and corners that cloths and fingernails just can’t reach, pointed knives scratch, and generally store years upon years of dirt. Unless you used a vacuum on them everyday (yes, everyday) since the day they were installed (yes, that very day), you’re outta luck. But…a waterpik ™ just might do the trick – never tried because I don’t have one, but I just thought of it…

And after you finish all of that…never, ever, look through a sunbeam going across your room.

-Leon

Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar

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Funny Friday

February 5, 2021 / Leon Stevens / 1 Comment

Last week I gave a challenge to say the alphabet backwards: Fun Friday Need help? Let me know.

What is the funniest answer you ever put on a test? I saw this this example years ago, and it always makes me laugh.

In college, I used to sign my tests with a coffee ring. It started when one time my coffee dribbled down my disposable Styrofoam cup-

Wait! What?!

Oh, sorry. Let me explain. A long time ago, people used to carry hot beverages in containers made from petroleum, that when properly discarded on the side of the road, would rapidly disintegrate over the course of 1000 years.

Oh! Like the disposable masks and latex gloves?

Exactly.

So, back to the story. My professor commented that he can always spot my tests and assignments from the stain in the corner. I took that as a challenge, and never signed my name again in that class.

Which reminds me of a joke.

A university professor tells the class that time is up for the exam. As students place their papers on the desk as they file out of class, on student continues to write. After a few minutes, the student walks to the front.

“I can’t accept the exam, since you continued after time had expired,” the professor said.

“Do you know my name?” the student asked.

“I can look it up.”

The student promptly slid the paper into the middle of the pile.

OK. Not that funny. Tell me your funniest school experience.

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Fun Friday: Wait. What?

January 29, 2021 / Leon Stevens / 2 Comments

I know what you are thinking. No, really I do. “Isn’t it supposed to be ‘Funny Friday’?”. Now you are thinking, “That sentence had way to many quotation marks and apostrophes, and I don’t think any of the punctuation was used properly.”

You are probably right. So, in the end, isn’t it still Funny Friday?

(Get to the point, Leon)

Let’s have a fun challenge. Can you say the alphabet backwards? We all learn to count forwards and backwards, but for most of us, saying the alphabet backwards doesn’t seem relevant. Is it though?

Looking up words in the dictionary (yes, we still use those) or in lists, lining up alphabetically (not usually done after elementary school, but it would be funny to do during a business meeting or corporate retreat) are a few times that this skill may be required.

Here’s the deal. If you can say the alphabet backwards, reply with your best time. If you can’t, here is a chance to waste half and hour of your busy day. I’ll post a few hints to help you throughout the day. And because a challenge is more fun with more people, get your friends to try.

One rule: You cannot write it down and study it. Use that gray matter.

You can thank me later. Maybe.

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Funny Friday

January 22, 2021 / Leon Stevens / 1 Comment

Quick! Say something funny. No pressure, right? Humor can be spontaneous or crafted. Either method will result in something. Notice that I didn’t say ‘something funny.’ Humor is so subjective, as I talked about here: Humor/Humour

I have been approaching different book bloggers to do drum up exposure for my books. Some of them have allowed me to submit guest posts. To stand out, I came up with the idea of interviewing myself because who knows me better than me?

My most recent interview was for thestoryreadingapeblog.com, and for you who missed it, I thought I would share it because it still makes me giggle a bit.

OK. You figured it out. I woke up this morning without a post for today…Nothing wrong with recycling. Enjoy!

-Leon

Leon Stevens Interviews Leon Stevens (again)

Hello. I’m Leon Stevens, and I’m sitting here with author Leon Stevens who has written two books, Lines by Leon-Poems, Prose and Pictures, and The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories. Well, here we are again.

It seems that way.

You wrote down a list of questions for the guest post on thestoryreadingapeblog.com. Where did you come across that site?

Through my WordPress blog. I was reading a repost of a book marketing article.

How is your blog coming along?

Better than I thought. I’ve been writing something almost daily.

Nice. Shall we get to the questions?

Fire away.

Now bear in mind I do know all these answers, so try to forget who I am.

I wish I could.

[silence]

I’ll let that pass. Question 1: Have you always been a writer?

Not until I learned how to hold a pencil, if that’s what you mean.

It’s not…I meant writing on order to get published.

Ahh, no. I don’t recall wanting to write until I needed to. I began to write songs and song lyrics to get my thoughts and emotions onto paper, which evolved into poetry.

Do you consider yourself a poet?

I suppose. Poetry is one aspect of my writing, but I think that if you write poetry, then you are a poet. Some people might think that if you are a “real” poet, then that’s all you do, describe the world through verse.

Do you read a lot of poetry?

Not really. I don’t think it’s a prerequisite to writing meaningful works. Maybe it’s a way to be unique.

Do you think you are unique?

I think we all are-except for you and me.

Shouldn’t that be: You and I?

Who knows?. Or is it Whom knows? No. It’s who knows.

Don’t we all love grammar?

Oh boy, do we ever!

Question #2—

Actually, it’s question #7. Go back and read the transcript.

[silence]

Next question, then. What do you write about then?

I write poems about emotions, struggles, ego, environment, travel, and everyday experiences. Some poems have a humorous edge to them.

Example?

Of?

Something humorous from your book.

Umm. I wrote this one about a sock:

The Sock

Is there anything lonelier than discarded clothing?

A sign of disappointment, of rejection, of loathing

Threadbare and stained, no fight left within

Wondering what events caused this great sin

Did you wear out your welcome, what did you do?

Was it a weakness of cotton

That allowed the big toe to come through?

Was it your owner’s odd gait that wore through the heel?

Taking the blame, how did that feel?

Was your partner discarded or saved for another

Pair that shares the same fate and just the right color?

Are all your poems light-hearted?

No. There are many that are much deeper emotionally, but it is nice to be able to take a break and laugh.

Your latest book is a science fiction book. Why the change in genre?

Science fiction has always been my favorite, and I had all these ideas kicking around.

Why short stories?

Why not.

Care to elaborate?

Some of my earliest memories of reading was short science fiction, either reading it or listening to my father making up stories at bedtime.

He made up stories for you?

I thought he did. I would come across stories as I was reading years later that I could have sworn I had read before, but then I realized that he had told those ones to me.

So he passed them off as his own?

Well, he didn’t say they were not, and I never asked, so no plagiarism there.

Any other reason for writing short stories?

When I have an idea and start to write, my stories seem to come to a natural conclusion sooner rather than later. There is a challenge to writing short, though. Developing characters to the minimum, letting the reader fill in the details of the setting, and I think successful short stories either end with a twist or leave the reader thinking.

Your shortest story?

The title story The Knot at the End of the Rope is 175 words. I have some stories in my poetry book, the shortest one there is 41, but it’s more of a caption to a picture than a story.

So, if you don’t have time to read a novel…

Exactly.

Any other projects on the go?

I do have a book of classical guitar compositions, and I am currently working on a continuation of one of my short stories. It’s up to 12000 words so far.

So, not a short story then.

It will probably finish up being a novella, but you never know.

I do.

You do?

Naw. This has been fun as usual. Thank you for sparing the time to sit down and talk to me.

You knew I wasn’t doing anything anyway.

True. Coffee?

Please.

Funny Friday: When Does This Become That?

January 15, 2021 / Leon Stevens / 1 Comment

I was sitting around one day…wondering…When does this become that? After various mullings, musings, flowcharts, and scientific calculations, I came up with:

Did this answer my question? Not in the least. I am however perplexed by the magical floating table…

-Leon

Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of two books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures and The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories. Visit www.linesbyleon.com

Funny Friday: Lost in Translation

January 8, 2021January 9, 2021 / Leon Stevens / Leave a comment

“Do or do not. There is no try.” Well said, Yoda. But how does that nugget of wisdom come across in different languages, I wondered. So I ran it through the translator into a different language and then took that translation and converted it back to English.

“Do or do not. There is no try.” became: “Do or do not do. There is no doing.”

Close, but doesn’t have that grand effect, does it now. Then I wondered what would happen if we played Translation Telephone (I think I made that up). I took the phrase, translated it, then took that translation and translated that to a new language, and so on, 10 times. Then I took that last translation and converted it back to English. What did I get?

“I am a bad person.”

Oh, you are so not, Yoda…

Try it out and post your funniest-or weirdest- translations of this phrase!