Funny Friday: Spring Cleaning

OK. It’s not spring yet, but if you are currently needing to self-isolate or experiencing the week-long Polar Vortex where you live, then you might need something to do. We will wait for the first “warm” day to throw open the windows and air out the stink. Now, on to today’s topic:

Inverted Vertices and Grooves: Wonderful geometry or nature’s crud collectors?

And I quote: “Whoever invented corners and grooves should be made to clean all corners and grooves.“ Who said that? I did.

 Many people now have a bit more time on their hands. What to do, what to do? Bake, cook? Clean? I know what you are thinking: I don’t want to clean. Not the most enjoyable activity, but considering two things, the focus on sanitizing during the current crisis and the fact that it is Spring (you know, the time you look forward to, to throw open the windows, air out the winter stink, and you did say, during the dead of winter, ”I can’t wait to give the place a good Spring cleaning!” I know you said that, we all did), what better time like the present?

I heard many people just now say, “Another time.”

Hear are some thoughts on cleaning.

At least once a year, I like to clean the baseboards and moldings. Wait! Did I say like? I meant I clean the baseboards and moldings. They only get really dirty if: you kick them a lot, eat pizza over them, or don’t clean them ever. If you have an older home, there is probably a lot of bits under the bottom-you know, that gap that you never notice until you get on your hands and knees to clean them and realize that there are a lot of crumbs under them. Four words: putty knife and vacuum.

Behind things: Refrigerators, ovens, couches, or anything that was meant to move that you don’t move. Pull them out from the wall and wonder how it got so hairy back there. If you have short hair, where did all the long hair come from; if you have long hair, why do I keep inviting my long-haired friends over? The vacuum is your best friend here. Don’t forget the fridge coils. Where are the fridge coils, you ask?  Behind the mullet on the back of your fridge.

Walls: That’s a lot of work. Leave it for when you re-paint. Hmmm, it would look nice with a new coat…

Tops of ceiling fans: Never looked there? Geez! They are spinning, so how the heck does it get dusty?

Cupboards and drawers: OK. You wash the dishes, put clean dishes away, and there are crumbs everywhere. What the…? It looks like a desert at the bottom of the cutlery holder!

Windows and mirrors: Isn’t glass supposed to be smooth? I understand outside-it rains, and rain isn’t clean-and bathroom mirrors (the floss flick and hairspray fog), but why are the insides soo filthy? Unless you have kids, then there is you answer-for everything.

Carpets: Watch one of those science shows about dust mites and you will be vacuuming twice a day (maybe more). If you have ever rented a carpet cleaner, you will get water that looks like Café-au-Lait (that’s a Double Double for Canadian readers).

Mattresses: (See above)

Toasters and appliances: Clean out that crumb tray, or just turn it upside down and shake, shake, shake. The microwave doesn’t need to look like it is from the staffroom at the office. Descale that coffeemaker (you did stock up on vinegar didn’t you?). And that fridge you moved? You should have cleaned it out before you moved it to make it lighter…

Finally, those aforementioned corners and grooves: Every windowsill has them, those slick sharp lines and corners that cloths and fingernails just can’t reach, pointed knives scratch, and generally store years upon years of dirt. Unless you used a vacuum on them everyday (yes, everyday) since the day they were installed (yes, that very day), you’re outta luck. But…a waterpik ™ just might do the trick – never tried because I don’t have one, but I just thought of it…

And after you finish all of that…never, ever, look through a sunbeam going across your room.

-Leon

Leon Stevens is a composer, artist, and author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories, and Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar